I took a trip to Boise to see my family a while back. ?Here's a section of my trip report.
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Monday, July 1 2002
Ok, a little background is in order here. ?When I left Seattle on Saturday, I had loaded four El Cheapo Sprite-esque sodas into my little cooler. ?I had consumed two of these on the way over, leaving two in the cooler in the truck bed. ?Monday, noonish, I was called to help mom and Chris move some of grandma's stuff. ?During the drive, I grabbed one of the sodas from the cooler and popped it into a cup holder up front, though I never opened it.
Now don't jump ahead, this is my story.
So anyway, Chris and I stopped at Burger King on the way back and grabbed some drive-thru gut garbage. ?Home we went to eat our kill and sit inside doing a lot more of nothing.
Now to the point of the story.
I went out to my truck a couple of hours later for something, probably to gaze upon its testosterone-ish beauty, and what do I find? ?It seemed that the lawn sprinklers had come on at some point and drenched the inside of my truck. ?No big deal upon initial inspection, but note that I said it "seemed" that the sprinklers were to blame. ?Much to my chagrin, I realized that the substance covering the interior of my reasonably-brand-new behemoth of a vehicle was something much more ... sticky.
Now, I feel that I must make a point, for those of you who have never seen a Chevy Avalanche, of noting the sheer massiveness of this truck. ?It's really friggin' big. ?This should indirectly illustrate the vast expanse of interior surface area available to, umm, soil. ?Just trying to paint the scene for you. ?You're welcome.
Yet again, on with the story.
So, as I made my cursory investigation, it slowly became apparent what had transpired, thankfully, in my absence. ?According to my highly trained eye, the previously mentioned Designer Imposter beverage can had slowly, as the day progressed, been exposed to direct sunlight and "ruptured". ?I'm still trying to locate a word that would accurately describe the event that the gory scene was depicting. ?Erupted? ?Detonated? ?Went supernova? ?Feel free to locate a thesaurus and insert your favorite synonym here. ?Whatever term you choose, I assure you that it was undeniably violent. ?How do I know this? ?Well, these are the items that were literally covered and/or saturated with said cheap-ass carbonated beverage:
Drivers seat, passenger seat, rear seat (both sides), both front floor mats, entire cloth headliner, rear-view mirror, entire windshield, radar detector, overhead console lights and controls. ?The dashboard top and face, stereo and all dash-located controls, steering wheel, drivers side door and window, passenger side door (that window and sunroof were open), passenger side view mirror (yes, the one on the outside), both rear side windows, and far rear window. ?Two CD cases, twelve CD's, cell phone and charging cable. ?Both cup holders and cubby holes contained puddles, as did the rear floor mats.
Where else did I find this satanic fluid? ?Well, after being launched out the sunroof, the soda apparently failed to establish a stable orbit around earth. ?Its reentry trajectory brought quite a lot of it to rest on the outside of my windshield. ?If you were still undecided, this should give you an idea that this must have been a massively catastrophic event.
Needless to say (though I'll say it anyway), I spent the next hour wiping down the previously mentioned items with Windex and a wet cloth. ?The headliner is still in pretty bad shape. ?The doors still sound like Velcro when opened. ?There are still a few specks of sugary sweetness scattered here and there, noticeable when the sun is just right.
I am now convinced that the inside of a soda can is vastly larger than the outside would have you believe. ?12 FL OZ my ass. ?That, and you have no idea how nasty some sugar-based liquids can become when suddenly removed from their natural habitat and exposed to 90 degree Boise heat. ?I can't imagine how this story would read if I'd been in the truck at the time.
I don't even want to talk about it. ?
Couldn't it have been worse, you ask? ?Oh, certainly. ?Rachelle told me a story of their dog, Levi, a relatively large black lab. ?Apparently, Rachelle had taken Levi with her on some errands and had stopped at the horse stables to see her horse. ?Levi, being a dog, had spent most of this stop munching on big steaming mounds of horse manure. ?Nummy nummy nummy in his tummy tummy tummy. ?Or at least you might think so. ?By the time the pair were back in the car, Levi's tummy had decided that this particular crap was not a very good vintage. ?Yep, up it came. ?Now, dog vomit is usually pretty nasty stuff on its own, and horse droppings are marginally worse. ?It's difficult for me to imagine cleaning up dog puke consisting mostly of partially digested horse nuggets. ?I think I'm going to stop trying. ?My throat is constricting.
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If you'd like the rest of the report, feel free to message me. ?Note that it likely won't be very interesting, since the main topics revolve around my family.
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Monday, July 1 2002
Ok, a little background is in order here. ?When I left Seattle on Saturday, I had loaded four El Cheapo Sprite-esque sodas into my little cooler. ?I had consumed two of these on the way over, leaving two in the cooler in the truck bed. ?Monday, noonish, I was called to help mom and Chris move some of grandma's stuff. ?During the drive, I grabbed one of the sodas from the cooler and popped it into a cup holder up front, though I never opened it.
Now don't jump ahead, this is my story.
So anyway, Chris and I stopped at Burger King on the way back and grabbed some drive-thru gut garbage. ?Home we went to eat our kill and sit inside doing a lot more of nothing.
Now to the point of the story.
I went out to my truck a couple of hours later for something, probably to gaze upon its testosterone-ish beauty, and what do I find? ?It seemed that the lawn sprinklers had come on at some point and drenched the inside of my truck. ?No big deal upon initial inspection, but note that I said it "seemed" that the sprinklers were to blame. ?Much to my chagrin, I realized that the substance covering the interior of my reasonably-brand-new behemoth of a vehicle was something much more ... sticky.
Now, I feel that I must make a point, for those of you who have never seen a Chevy Avalanche, of noting the sheer massiveness of this truck. ?It's really friggin' big. ?This should indirectly illustrate the vast expanse of interior surface area available to, umm, soil. ?Just trying to paint the scene for you. ?You're welcome.
Yet again, on with the story.
So, as I made my cursory investigation, it slowly became apparent what had transpired, thankfully, in my absence. ?According to my highly trained eye, the previously mentioned Designer Imposter beverage can had slowly, as the day progressed, been exposed to direct sunlight and "ruptured". ?I'm still trying to locate a word that would accurately describe the event that the gory scene was depicting. ?Erupted? ?Detonated? ?Went supernova? ?Feel free to locate a thesaurus and insert your favorite synonym here. ?Whatever term you choose, I assure you that it was undeniably violent. ?How do I know this? ?Well, these are the items that were literally covered and/or saturated with said cheap-ass carbonated beverage:
Drivers seat, passenger seat, rear seat (both sides), both front floor mats, entire cloth headliner, rear-view mirror, entire windshield, radar detector, overhead console lights and controls. ?The dashboard top and face, stereo and all dash-located controls, steering wheel, drivers side door and window, passenger side door (that window and sunroof were open), passenger side view mirror (yes, the one on the outside), both rear side windows, and far rear window. ?Two CD cases, twelve CD's, cell phone and charging cable. ?Both cup holders and cubby holes contained puddles, as did the rear floor mats.
Where else did I find this satanic fluid? ?Well, after being launched out the sunroof, the soda apparently failed to establish a stable orbit around earth. ?Its reentry trajectory brought quite a lot of it to rest on the outside of my windshield. ?If you were still undecided, this should give you an idea that this must have been a massively catastrophic event.
Needless to say (though I'll say it anyway), I spent the next hour wiping down the previously mentioned items with Windex and a wet cloth. ?The headliner is still in pretty bad shape. ?The doors still sound like Velcro when opened. ?There are still a few specks of sugary sweetness scattered here and there, noticeable when the sun is just right.
I am now convinced that the inside of a soda can is vastly larger than the outside would have you believe. ?12 FL OZ my ass. ?That, and you have no idea how nasty some sugar-based liquids can become when suddenly removed from their natural habitat and exposed to 90 degree Boise heat. ?I can't imagine how this story would read if I'd been in the truck at the time.
I don't even want to talk about it. ?
Couldn't it have been worse, you ask? ?Oh, certainly. ?Rachelle told me a story of their dog, Levi, a relatively large black lab. ?Apparently, Rachelle had taken Levi with her on some errands and had stopped at the horse stables to see her horse. ?Levi, being a dog, had spent most of this stop munching on big steaming mounds of horse manure. ?Nummy nummy nummy in his tummy tummy tummy. ?Or at least you might think so. ?By the time the pair were back in the car, Levi's tummy had decided that this particular crap was not a very good vintage. ?Yep, up it came. ?Now, dog vomit is usually pretty nasty stuff on its own, and horse droppings are marginally worse. ?It's difficult for me to imagine cleaning up dog puke consisting mostly of partially digested horse nuggets. ?I think I'm going to stop trying. ?My throat is constricting.
=====
If you'd like the rest of the report, feel free to message me. ?Note that it likely won't be very interesting, since the main topics revolve around my family.
There will probably always be some sticky residue in your truck from now on. Just think of what could have gotten into your vents and ina few days will start to mold and grow hair 
Did I hear a sploosh? 
. The mechanics at Sears came over to see what was up, and laughed their a**es off. After about 15 minutes I had the carpet out and was hosing the paint off of it with a hose I borrowed from those hyenas. 
